The Other Side of the Coin
by Neflanthir
Summary: A sequel to Blame Game as requested. Dean's POV this time around, Castiel features slightly as well. No pairings, some bad language. Dean has to deal with Sam's thoughts and feelings, and the truth of things between them.


I had absolutely no intention of writing this, but since so many people have requested it, I could hardly not oblige. As such, you'd better all review - you know who you are, lol. :-p

I haven't written Dean before, so I'm not convinced he'll be IC, but hey, I tried.

Hope you all enjoy. Any and all reviews are gladly received, it gives me more incentive to write.

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He could feel Castiel's eyes glued to him as he moved away from the window. He had come here believing that Sam was going behind his back again, so the scene he had just witnessed was far from what he had been expecting. Dean knew that the angel was concerned how the words had affected him, but the truth was that he wasn't really sure himself. Everything was still sinking in, his mind still trying to process everything that Sam had said.

He hadn't expected that, he really hadn't. While he wasn't thrilled with the interaction between Sam and Ruby, he got the impression that this was a one-off because Sam was that damned desperate. It hurt that Sam was feeling that way because of him and that he had essentially pushed Sam towards Ruby and away from him. The interaction between them had been hesitant and Sam had seemed genuinely surprised when Ruby had allowed his actions, so at least they weren't as close as Dean sometimes feared, though perhaps tonight had changed that.

Dean moved away from the building, walking back through the trees to where the Impala was waiting. He had deliberately left the car at enough distance for neither of them to be able to hear the familiar purr of the engine. The last thing he had wanted was for Sam to know he was there until he was ready to confront him, but that was before he knew Sam had just gone to talk to someone about his fears and frustrations.

Dean sat on the hood of the Impala, his head quickly ending up in his hands. He could feel Castiel's eyes on him still, but the angel would have to deal with being ignored, his presence was a mute point. He could understand why Sam had gone to Ruby, he knew really that there was no one else that Sam had to turn to; not when Sam couldn't talk to him because he was the problem. He didn't resent Ruby for once, he was honestly glad that she was there for Sam.

He was proud of Sam for trying to give such an unbiased account of events, there were points that Dean would argue over, but Sam had done the best he could to keep opinions out of it. He wanted her to know the facts, so he could be told if he was the one in the wrong. It took a lot to do that but Sammy cared enough to make sure he wasn't being unfair to Dean if it really was his own fault. It gave him hope that things were not as lost as he was beginning to fear.

Ruby, to give her due credit had done a pretty good job of listening, though there had been a few times she slipped up. The first was to his comment about them banging, which he supposed her being pissed off and insulted over wasn't really surprising. Next was her attempt to keep from laughing, which again he could understand, though he wasn't going to accept that Sam's comments were funny or appropriate. Lastly was the grin that met her face after a look of hesitation when they settled together on the couch, Sam hadn't seen that one and Dean wasn't sure what it had been about.

He was skirting the real issue he knew, which was dealing with what Sam had said. It was true that he tried to avoid thinking about the possibility that he had caused this, it was true it was just easier to blame it on Sam and Ruby for going behind his back. He heard all too well Sam's fears, Dean knew from the first time he found out about Sam using his powers, just how bad the reaction was and how unwilling he was to accept any sort of explanation. He was just trying to look out for Sam though; he wasn't trying to control him, as Sam seemed to think, at least, it wasn't something he was consciously doing.

Did Sam really think that he looked down on him? Well, actually, thinking back to some of the things he had said to him, he could probably understand why Sam would feel that way. He had questioned Sam's intelligence and common sense on quite a few occasions since his return. He was just concerned but it could easily be seen as doing nothing but putting his brother down. Funny how you never realised just how much damage you could do to someone without meaning to, though Sammy was just as guilty of that now too.

At least now he knew for certain that Sam did still care about him. Hearing him say that he was afraid of losing Dean, that it was the last thing he wanted was a major relief. He had doubted that Sam really cared about him, wondered if he was staying with him out of a sense of duty, rather than because he wanted to be around Dean anymore. Those fears had been dispelled now; Sammy had shown how much he did care and it put Dean at ease, far more than he had been for a long time.

He knew Sam was right, that so much of this was because of his deal. He knew that it had been selfish, that he had never cared or considered the effects it would have on Sam. He didn't want to carry on living without Sam, but he had expected Sam to go on without him, with all of that guilt on his head. It wasn't the first time Sam had called him selfish for making that choice and Dean had agreed with him back then too. While Sam had told him about the drinking and reckless behaviour, it hurt to hear it again, said in the way that it had been.

He hadn't stopped for a moment to think that Sam might be hurting; it had never occurred to him that Sam was having a difficult time as well. All he had seen was a different side to Sam, one that he didn't like because it reminded him too much of himself and he had gone off on one. His brother made some good points really, as much as he loathed admitting it. He was selfish, Sam's powers did scare him, he had been trying to blame everything on everyone else, he had been keeping secrets and so many other things; maybe Sam was right about all of it.

Dean's problem had always been self-esteem, he always thought of himself as worthless, as not deserving of anything. He had done nothing but blag his way through life, pretending to be someone he wasn't. With Castiel and later Anna, he had gained some sense of value, a purpose for existing, a way of erasing all the wrong he had done. He doubted that he could, after everything he did in hell, but if God was willing to forgive him, to choose him as worthy…

He knew he had changed, as much as he pretended he hadn't, it was easier than acknowledging everything that happened. Now that he was back on earth, it was hard to deal with the things he had done in hell. He supposed that was why he gave Ruby such a hard time, because after seeing hell and what demons were really like, her standing there saying she was different angered him. She would be no different and any claims that she didn't torture and enjoy it, not that she had said that exactly, were an absolute joke.

Yes he supposed in some ways Sam was right about him being jealous, because Ruby was the one getting the trust and attention, but that was really only a small part of it. What he really resented was the possibility that he was more demonic than she was. It had been so easy to hurt them, so easy to do unimaginable things that he truly hoped Sam never bore witness to. He couldn't imagine that after all that time Ruby could possibly be different, that she could still care about humans or any other life than her own. Hell was a selfish place that tore away humanity without any problem, she had to be lying; she couldn't be a better person than he was.

He hated himself for thinking that way, for wishing that she was the lying bitch he had always said she was. The possibility that she was telling the truth was just too much; he couldn't accept it, wouldn't accept or believe something like that. He daren't ask Castiel if it were possible, though given how the angels usually were, he couldn't really see them having anything nice to say about any demon. Still, it was just something he couldn't face.

He was weak, a coward, he knew that, he had for a long time. This time round he couldn't afford to be, he and Sam needed to talk and he needed to actually listen to what Sam had to say. He had to stop believing that he was right about everything because he was pulled out of hell to help heaven's army. He had used to believe in Sam and that had changed; how could he expect Sam to do everything his way and trust in him when he did nothing but belittle him.

Sam was right, he was an asshole and he had to stop acting that way if he didn't want to lose his little brother. Sam had been his responsibility for a long time, but Sam was all grown up now and he had pulled through without Dean. Ruby was the one to thank for that, whatever her reasons for it were, and things had changed between her and Sam because of it. He was worried about her intentions but he had to stop believing that Sam didn't have enough sense to be weary himself, even if he didn't seem to be. He supposed Sam needed someone and she had been the only one there to pull him back from the abyss.

"We do have secrets from each other, don't we? We have our own lives now, our own purpose. I guess Sammy's bound to feel uncomfortable given the threats he's received and that we're trying to take away the only person he had to rely on for months. I haven't been fair to him, have I?" Dean muttered, not sure if he was asking himself or Castiel.

"Your fears concerning your brother are valid." Castiel replied calmly.

Dean looked at the angel for the first time since they had arrived at the old house. "Things aren't black and white, Sammy taught me that a long time ago but I seemed to have forgotten."

"I told you I have my doubts, even though I'm not allowed to. Spending time with you, seeing things from your point of view, I do wonder about a great many things. I'm not really someone who can advise you, all I can say is that if listening to the words from your brother's heart brings you guilt and remorse and tells you that you have need to change, then follow that will."

Dean nodded, that was all he needed to hear. It was okay he supposed, Sam having Ruby to turn to, because he did have Castiel, even if he couldn't offer the same sort of emotional support Ruby could, he could give Dean the hope and courage he needed. As long as they still knew the other was there, that they still cared and trusted each other, no matter how difficult things became, he could deal with that. Besides, if Ruby did turn on him, Sam would need someone to pick up the pieces and he would be there to do that.

He would leave Sam with Ruby for now, let him settle down and relax a little after his outburst. He would go with Castiel and take care of the few things the angel had requested him to and then in the morning he and Sam would sit down and talk. While he couldn't promise that he'd keep his temper, he would try his hardest to be fair, now that he understood better. They would work things out; Dean was willing to listen now, to compromise and to accept that Sam was going to keep Ruby with him until she gave him reason not to.

They would still fall out with each other no doubt; they always had done, but as long as it wasn't serious, just the petty squabbles they had always had, it was fine. As long as they both knew that they could rely on each other for support, even though they each had someone else they could turn to now, they would be okay. Sam could have his Lilith witch hunt with Ruby and he would do heaven's work with Castiel, but they would still hunt together for the most part and that would have to be good enough.

"Yeah, I know what I need to do. Sammy comes first, always has and I'm not gonna lose him just because I'm an ass. Let's take care of business, Sam and I'll sort things out tomorrow."

Castiel nodded and watched as Dean got into the Impala; before he followed suit, he turned his attention to the brunette stood within earshot. He wasn't surprised the demon had come to find out how Dean had reacted. While she might not be able to feel Dean's presence, she would certainly have known that he was there. While he couldn't comment with any certainty, she did appear to be looking after Sam; though that meant very little, given the demon blood flowing in him. Castiel nodded, acknowledging her presence and entered the car. Both brothers had guardians for the time being and both would protect them as best they could, regardless of reasons.


End file.
